The Wonderful Wizard of... Paris?
by Mademoiselle Chanteur
Summary: Just random insanity my sister and i thought up one night. I know this has been done before but... what would happen if the characters from POTO were forced to preform "The Wizard of Oz?" Oh, the humanity!!!
1. You again?!?

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of this! Nothing, nada… that is except the adorable, fantastic, marvelous *gets hit in the back of the head* ahem, narrator (me, bow down you mere mortals!) The Phantom of the Opera belongs to Gaston Leroux… yadah yadah yadah… anyway, Enjoy! Please, read and review…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It is a normal, peaceful day at the Paris Opera. This morning, no one has died or disappeared and no disagreeable accidents have occurred (yea)! Suddenly, there is a loud explosion. From a crimson cloud of smoke emerges a young, teenage girl. She looks around her, blinking in surprise because the stupid teleporter actually worked!

****

Erik: (from the sinister depths below) _I will not tolerate interruptions!_ (storms onstage) Merde, notyou again!

****

Narrator: (waving) Hello, Erik. Are you feeling better today?

****

Erik: No, actually I feel… wait! That's beside the point! Why are _you_ here _now_?

****

Narrator: I love you, remember?

****

Erik: (backing away) Er… right. Of course my dear. May I ask a favor?

****

Narrator: Sure.

****

Erik: Go away!

****

Narrator: That wasn't nice! Anyway, I can't.

****

Erik: Yes, you can. The door's that way. Please, don't hesitate to use it.

****

Narrator: I have another show for you to perform.

****

Erik: (reaching for his Punjab lasso) No! Absolutely not! There is no way…

****

Narrator: Raoul's an idiot in this one.

****

Erik: (suddenly interested) Please, continue.

(the managers walk onstage)

****

Andrè: (yelps when he sees Erik. Jumping in Firmin's arms) It's the Ghost! 

****

Firmin: Money! Expenses! (looks at Andrè) Not here… 

(by now, a crowd has gathered on the stage. Including Piangi, Carlotta, the two Giry's and Joseph Buquet)

****

Carlotta: What's going on?!? This is an outrage! (starts cursing in Spanish for five minutes)

****

Madame Giry: (ignoring her, and being the voice of reason) It appears Mademoiselle Chanteur has returned and wants us to interpret another piece of theatre for her own sick, twisted amusement. 

(everyone stares in amazement, then turn towards the Narrator, who smiles and cackles evilly)

****

Erik: I thought that was my job.

****

Narrator: Sorry shnookums, but it's my story now.

****

Erik: Schnookums… what kind of imbecile uses the word…

(Raoul and Christine enter, linked arm and arm and giggling [_both _are giggling])

****

Raoul: Oh, my! What a wonderful day it's been eh, Schnookums?

(Christine only titters, twirling a ringlet around her finger)

****

Erik: (rubbing his throbbing temples) I had to ask…

**** ****

* Well, that's the first chapter… more to come… and you can't escape! Mwhahahahaha…* 


	2. Carlotta and the Cow... Meg Barks... and...

DISCLAIMER: I don't own POTO in any way, shape, or form… if anything, it owns me! Eeep… any-who, I don't own The Wizard of Oz either, I'm pretty sure it goes to the Lollypop Guild… hee hee hee (I don't own Monty Python)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After handing out the scripts, our heroine (me, the narrator) gets ready to start the fun (according to everyone else however, this is torture). 

****

Erik: Mademoiselle…

****

Narrator: Don't growl at me, Erik! It's bad manners. Now, what is it?

****

Erik: I don't have any lines until the end of this… interesting theatrical production.

****

Narrator: Right, I know. I need you to help me direct.

****

Erik: You mean… (grins mischievously)

****

Narrator: Yes darling, you're in charge. That is, unless you upset me… remember, I can do terrible things. Watch! (snaps fingers and various livestock rains down upon the actors)

****

Meg and the Managers: Run away! Run away!

****

Piangi: (gets hit by a member of the bovine species) Oy, Carlotta darling… please-a get off-a me!

****

Carlotta: What?!? How darrrre you call me a cow?

****

Erik: (turning towards Narrator) I think, against my better judgement, that I am going to like working with you.

****

Narrator: Yea! (claps hands and the farm animals disappear) Let's begin.

****

Meg: Wait!

****

Narrator: Yes?

****

Meg: It… um… says here that I'm a… dog.

****

Narrator: (nods) Toto, to be exact. I thought you'd be well suited for the role. You have such an… eager… happy, personality.

****

Meg: (yipping quietly to herself) But you also made mother a… well, a witch.

****

Narrator: A GOOD witch. Glinda, the good witch of the north.

****

Meg: She's supposed to come down to the stage in a pink bubble!

(everyone snickers)

****

Christine and Raoul: (in unison) Ooooh! Pink!

(everyone looks away, shaking their heads)

****

Madame Giry: A pink bubble is fine, as long as it is in proper form and appears on time.

****

Narrator: Um… you have to wear a pink dress too.

****

Madame Giry: (blinks) You find this entertaining don't you? (Narrator nods) You poor, depraved child…

****

Narrator: Alright! Let's begin!

(Christine comes on stage, wearing a gingham gown… Meg following at her heels, barking happily)

****

Firmin: She's really… good at that…

****

Andrè: (holding out his leash) Bark! Woof!Pant… pant… (Firmin pats him on the head, and Andrè curls up at his feet)

****

Christine: I like pink… La la la la la… 

__

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high…

There's a land that I've heard of… once in a lullaby…

****

Erik: Christine, remember to breathe… stand up straight… and please…

****

Narrator: Erik! Stop it! (Erik growls angrily, his eyes flashing) What did I tell you about growling? (Erik pulls out a rather suspicious looking piece of rope) Eh… calm down, I think you'll like this next scene… (shows him the script, taking the rope from him and placing it in her pocket)

****

Erik: (begins maniacal laughter) You mean… so soon?!? (looks towards Carlotta, smirking) 

****

Narrator: Yes… oh, yes…

* I apologize, I know I'm sort of jumping from scene to scene here, but work with me… more insanity… next, what will Erik do to Carlotta? Will Raoul ever have something brilliant to say? And what happens when Erik tries to take control over our beloved narrator… tune in next time, same fan-fic time, same fan-fic website… ta ta! *


	3. The Dangers of Messing with the Narrator...

DISCLAIMER: Sorry, still don't own anything except myself… and a portable phone, and a complete bedroom, and a Jeep, and a personal computer, and a bunch of CD's, and the deeds to the Moulin Rouge (whoops wrong Fan-Fic!)…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It is day two of rehearsals. Everyone spent the night and we had a great many pillow fights… except for a few security problems and people _somehow _ending up in each other's sleeping bags (the managers are having a time-out right now), it was a rather "peaceful" evening. 

****

Narrator: Okay, in this next scene, Dorothy and Toto get whisked away to Oz by way of tornado… everyone ready? Where's Erik? 

****

Christine: I think he said something about killing Raoul, _again_, but I'm not sure…

****

Narrator: Greeaaattt… (making sure Raoul is still alive and finding him bouncing a ball against one of the set pieces) I guess we'll have to start without him. Carlotta!

****

Carlotta: Was that the wind?

****

Narrator: (rolls her eyes) La Divina?

****

Carlotta: Si?

****

Narrator: I need you to stand here… right here…

****

Carlotta: What, you mean on this rather large and impressive looking "X"? 

****

Narrator: Yes, only the _true_ divas get their own, personal "X's"…

****

Carlotta: (haughtily taking her place) I would have expected no less!

****

Narrator: Action! (a chandelier crashes to the stage, landing perfectly on the "X", and therefore crushing Carlotta) What the… 

****

Andrè, Firmin, and Buquet: (link arms and dance around in a circle) 

__

Ding, dong! The wicked witch is dead! 

Wake up you sleepy heads, rub your eyes, get out of bed! Let them know the wicked… witch… is…

****

Carlotta: (from beneath the chandelier, slightly muffled) Shut up, you morons! 

****

Narrator: Erik! (looks up, but can't find him anywhere… that is, until she feels a rope around her neck)

****

Erik: (standing behind her) I think a chandelier is so much better than a house, don't you my dear? Oh, and incidentally I now have complete and total control over this production, so you're out of a job.

****

Narrator: (sighing) I was afraid of this… Erik, I'd just like to say, I'm extremely sorry for this (snaps her fingers and a pair of headphones cover his ears)

****

Erik: Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggghhh!!! (falls to his knees, clawing at the strange device) What is this ?!?

****

Narrator: (wincing) Britney Spears… "Hit Me Baby One More Time"

****

Erik: (glares at her defiantly) Do your worse! (Narrator looks away, and snaps her fingers again. Erik starts having spasms, writhing around in agony) Please, Mademoiselle! Make it stop! Make it stop! (Narrator snaps, and the headphones disappear) What, was _that _?!?

****

Narrator: Backstreet Boys… "Larger than Life"

(everyone looks at the Narrator in horror)

****

Meg: Bark! Yip! I mean, wow! 

****

Firmin: You're quite terrifying, mademoiselle.

****

Narrator: Sorry…

****

Raoul: Hey! I'm in the next scene!

****

Erik: Yea… I mean, good for you boy.

****

Raoul: I am not a boy! I'm twenty something years old! And you're just a big meanie!

****

Erik: Point proven.

****

Narrator: Gentlemen please! We have work to do! (glances at script) Madame Giry!

****

Madame Giry: No.

****

Narrator: Please?

(Madame Giry floats down to the stage in a pink bubble, wearing a pink dress, still carrying her cane)

****

Narrator: Lose the cane please!

****

Madame Giry: (sighs, dropping the cane and pulling out her magic wand) Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

****

Christine: Pink's a good color for you.

****

Madame Giry: You think so? I was a little nervous at first, but then…

****

Narrator: Ahem! 

****

Christine: (looks down at her script) Oh! I'm not a witch at all! (smiles happily, until she sees the managers walk out onstage wearing brightly colored lederhosen… then she just bursts out laughing)

****

Firmin and Andrè: (in squeaky, yet still masculine, voices) 

__

We represent the Lollypop Guild, the Lollypop Guild, the Lollypop Guild…

And in the name of the Lollypop Guuuuiiiillllddd! We wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land! 

****

Christine: Oh! You two make the cutest couple I've ever seen!

****

Andrè: It's the matching outfits isn't it? But we're not done yet!

****

Firmin and Andrè: 

__

Follow the yellow brick road! 

Follow the yellow brick road! Follow… follow… follow… follow… follow the yellow brick road!

****

Erik: She won't follow any road without someone leading her… preferably with vocal commands, like this… 

__

I am your angel, come to me angel of music… I am your angel, come to me angel of music (notices Narrator has grasped onto his leg) What are you doing?

****

Narrator: Hmmm… what? (looks around her) Oh! Heh, sorry… anyway, onto the next scene!

****

Raoul: My scene! Starts singing:

__

If I only had a brain… oh, I could tell ya' why the ocean's near the shore…

****

Erik: (mocking him) _If you only had a brain…_

****

Narrator: (hitting Erik upside the head) Hey! Be nice to my Scarecrow! He's the best character in the story!

****

Erik: Then why is this fop playing him? Why not me?

****

Narrator: Erik, you're not exactly the warm, fuzzy type, understand? You'd actually be able to scare the crows away. (walks up to Raoul, giving him a hug) Now Raoul, while not exactly the most competent person around, is definitely the most huggable and user-friendly. You're… you're… (starts drooling)

****

Erik: (moving towards the nearest exit) Right… now, what are you all waiting for? The fo… I mean, Raoul's scene is next!

****

Raoul: (jumps up and down) My scene… my scene…

* My apologies to whoever likes the Backstreet Boys and/or Britney Spears, for some reason I just didn't think they'd appeal to Erik. Oh, and to angelofnight and anyone else, don't be mad at me! Raoul, "If I only had a Brain"… it was just too much for me to resist… please don't hurt me [whimpers and hides]… believe me, I _love_ the Scarecrow! Always have and always will! I love you all… you know that, right? [ducks as rotten tomatoes are thrown at her] Don't worry, more to come…*

**** ****


End file.
